Sunday, December 16, 2007

Ugly Old Men and Cute Teens

Teens for Cash” is part of a dull pantheon of teen sites that follow the same basic gonzo pattern with different furniture. These include “Coeds Need Cash” and “Casting Couch Teens.” The most glaring difference with Teens for Cash is the use of dumpy old men instead of dumpy young men and it’s almost always a threesome.

The site has no real premise, other than that the male performers pay girls they meet on the street to give them molestation rights. Although pornography smells like prostitution to begin with, this site like the others in its genre, take it to the next level by actually displaying the cash to be paid. Often the bills are strewn on the ground during the fucking or chucked on the girl after the money shot. Although I’m always curious about how much girls get paid to sit on old guys, actually seeing the money in the porn is a huge, depressing buzz kill.

The starting lineup of the site consists of four regular gents, each one resembling more or less the creepy middle aged guy in a Hawaiian shirt hanging out in mall food courts. Only two appear in each scene, thankfully. The presence of all four in the same room might cause a cataclysmic implosion of skeeziness. Here’s a quick rundown of each. One, sporting the largest paunch and fuzzy white tit hair looks like an aged version of the guy who hit Eddie Murphy over the head in the first Beverly Hills cop movie. Another has a face like a Quake 3 character and a propensity for wearing white tube socks with cross trainers. The third looks like a die-hard Van Halen fan who’s trying to look and dress like John Waters. Finally, there’s the goateed, earring-sporting chunk who probably rocks out to BTO songs at barbecues.

I’m sorry, but no matter how many old fuckers in the world jerk off, no one over the age of 40 has business being in porn. I highly doubt that older masturbators are thinking “damn, this is great! I can almost picture my golf buddies doing this chick, the guys look a lot alike! This is hot!” No matter many cute teens appear on the site, the experience is ruined by all the spare tires, moustaches, twirled back hair, and hissed dirty talk that sounds like something Gollum would say while whacking it with the ring of power around his 5 century-old dick. Teens for Cash ends up evoking unpleasant images of fungal toenails, bald spots, and sweaty office chairs.

If the reason why there are so many old men in porn is that they’re the only ones dirty enough to keep it up on camera, then someone needs to establish a porn academy for semi-attractive guys. Call your local congressman and tell him/her that they need to support an outlaw of Centrum Silver porn studs.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Captain Stabbin is a Creepy Pervert

Captain Stabbin” is really just a clone of Bang Boat, which was essentially Bang Bus, just on a seagoing vessel rather than in a utility van. Bang Boat might actually be a clone of Captain Stabbin since I’m not sure which one actually came first. The next time you’re about to bring up the chicken and the egg analogy, why not use these two sites instead for a racier philosophical injection? Asking which rival porn site came first in the competition for control of the nautical hardcore niche market is pretty inconsequential, and in the end, they’re pretty similar. One usually features black dudes and the other has creepy old men and a lot more anal. Details, details.

In any case, the premise is that Captain Stabbin and his mates cruise the local harbor for hot bikini girls who are willing to get down and dirty with these clowns at sea. Usually, the Captain himself just sort of hangs back with a beer because even though we’re supposed to suspend our disbelief when it comes to porn, it would be stretching it to believe that this cretin could pick up anyone other than a mammoth BBW or a toothless meth-addled hooker. Really, he’s that ugly. Think of a cross between Gene Hackman and Dobby from Harry Potter and you’re about a third of the way there. Stabbin apparently owns the yacht which plays host to the main course of the action. Once the girl is sufficiently seduced (or guffawed at with wads of money for approximately six to 11 minutes), our cast boards the S.S. Stabbin for some hot action on the high seas.

Some of Stabbin’s mates aren’t half bad looking. At least they’ve got muscles and don’t constantly wear a shirt that was probably purchased at Caldor back in the 1980s. If they dominated the scenes, then the site might actually be salvageable. But no, Stabbin has to come out of the depths of the yacht like some disfigured troll demanding a tithe for using his land. Unless the site has an army of creepy ex-sailors as members, I doubt that people would shed a tear if one of the better-looking guys just wore the damn hat and adopted the titular name. Unfortunately, Stabbin seems to pride himself on his work and countless scenes are ruined by this guy’s wrinkled cock and gummy Howdy Doody grin.

Aside from the goofy premise and circus-ugly main character, the site is just plain creepy. I swore off this god awful site a few years back after I saw a woman literally have a panic attack when one of the dudes tried to goad her into anal sex. It was pretty disgusting. Even the captain had a look of skittish unease on his dopey countenance, dick in hand getting limper in the midst of that titan of a buzz kill. Shame on you, morons.

What I’m wondering is where these people are filming their scenes. Are there statutes in place governing nautical porn? Is it somehow illegal to bang a girl in plain view on a clear day with 5 mile visibility? Is the reason why so much cocaine gets into America because Coast Guard cutters are too busy gawking at a babe getting plowed on a yacht to notice drug runners cruising out of the Bay of Campeche? Why hasn’t this become a cottage industry for spring breakers? $10 to see “Hollie” get it from the Captain! Pitchers of Miller only $5.

The running gag in each episode is that following the money shots, the girl is enticed into washing herself off in the ocean. After entering the water, the giggling pervs gun the motor, chuck a life preserver out to the stranded girl, and fling out some random derision before the fade to black. I’m not sure if this is staged or if they really do leave the girls miles offshore nothing but a floating donut and a unwashable feeling of body nausea, but I am sure of one thing. This site blows even more than the girls who go down on these creepy fuckers.

Romanian Teens and Fake Cum

Here’s another case of a site trying to do too much. There are some cute girls on “Girls Got Cream,” but most look creepily pre-pubescent with an Eastern European injection, which makes them look even younger. Even though weirdly Anglicized names like “Molly” and “Ginger” are tagged on the videos, it’s clear that most of these girls are actually named Olga, Masha, or Svetlana. This site is brought to you by the same people who did “White Teens, Black Cocks” and “Try Teens,” and many of the same girls make appearances in this dud of a site. Also, you’re treated to the same two dudes who have appeared in every past productions of Brothers in Cash, ie. the smurf-faced frat boy and the black dude who looks like an ex-Algerian hurdler.

The premise of the site is that these girls love their cream (semen) to the extent that they’ll screw these fugly dudes in order to get it. They love it so much, in fact, that the real stuff coming out of these guys’ penises is not enough. Nope, normal human volumes of cream are insubstantial, so the filmmakers have decided to roll out the fake stuff…in every single video.

Each “Girls Got Cream” scene ends with not one, but two climaxes. One is the money shot, which from what I can tell is real most of the time, except once when the dude couldn’t get the plumbing working and had to smear some fake stuff on the girl’s face. The “fake stuff” from what I can tell is regular old hand lotion or some other similar concoction that was either special ordered or whipped up in somebody’s kitchen. The second climax in each scene is one that involves this fake stuff. The guy, pretending to cum, withdraws and there’s a usually a poorly-edited cut to give the producers a chance to fill up the lass with the hand lotion. Then the scene returns and out of a distended vagina or anus comes a spout of what closely resembles Lubriderm moisturizer. Any guy who thinks this stuff is real either hasn’t ever ejaculated or usually does so while dangerously dehydrated after a steady diet of egg whites. The only thing this stuff has in common with real semen is that it’s vaguely the same color.

Why the filmmakers thought this would be arousing to the general jerk-off crowd is beyond me. Instead of just settling for an actual creampie (which is unpredictable to film, but looks legit if it works), they figured they’d give it the Michael Bay treatment of producing tons of volume to offset the laughable lack of realism. Unless you’ve got a hand lotion fetish, then this site is hardly worth your time.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Insane Fake Black Cocks

I’m hoping this site isn’t going to spark a trend. The tag is “The world’s largest black cocks take on white sluts,” which is probably the only reason why this pathetic site has pulled in enough traffic to sustain production of over 75 episodes. The marketing ploy is similar to the cereal box model where it seems like you’re going to get a cool toy in the box, but it turns out you have to send away proof of purchase and $3.99 to get a cheap “Rescue Rangers” action figure. Insane Cock Brothas could probably add another superlative to their homepage: “most disappointed casual internet porn surfers ever.”

The gimmick of Insane Cock Brothas is that two heinously-endowed black men ravish young white ladies with “almost two feet of black meat.” Sound crazy? Sound impossible? Well, your brain didn’t lie to you this time. The dicks are fake, the performers are paunchy, and the whole site has a stink of non-arousal.

I wonder if the dudes get rashes from wearing the prosthetic cocks. I’ve seen more convincing flesh in 1980s splatter horror flicks. Seriously, these things are just plain embarrassing and make most pink dildos look positively lifelike by comparison. The male performers are also black, which is probably a ploy to break into the lucrative market built on a stereotype that every black man is endowed like Lexington Steele. Perhaps at a backyard meeting in some sketchy L.A. apartment complex, the filmmakers figured they could cut overhead if they just invested in giant rubber cock gauntlets instead of seeking out and hiring dudes who pack the real deal.

In addition to fake cocks, the two male performers also wear vibrant masks for a large number of the scenes. Why the masks? I’m guessing that the founders of the site weren’t trying to capitalize on the success of Nacho Libre or hit the Mexican wrestling niche market. My only conclusion is that the masks are used to allay the humiliation that would ensue if the studs’ friends were to discover they star in videos requiring them to wear large rubber dicks over their own. The male dream of porn tends to evaporate when it involves being a foot and a half away from the vagina with a thick mitt of a thing smothering all arousal.

It doesn’t end there, though. It’s not just big rubber dicks and lucha libre masks. Insane Cock Brothas also wants to out-North Peter North by providing the biggest money shots in the history of porn. They certainly are impressive. The only problem is that like the Rubbermaid units, they’re also completely fake. I’m not sure what’s more degrading for a girl; getting a faceful of semen or getting drenched in half-and-half shot out of a strapless strap-on. There are even moments when the girls break into laughter at the end of a scene, unable to maintain a straight face in this carnival of hyperbole.

This elaborate (and transparent) ruse must make for interesting off-camera preparation and downtime in between shots. Maybe I can persuade the owners of the site to release an outtakes DVD. I can just hear it now. “Christ, cut! Dan, get that glue gun over here, Ramón came loose again.” “Shit! How many times have I told you we need a new milk pump?! He can’t just dribble the stuff on her face, that won’t look convincing at ALL!”

All of this begs the question: who the hell watches this crap? How is this dung heap of a site able to sustain itself through memberships in order to pay its actresses? I highly doubt that even broke third-rate L.A. starlets are desperate to do borderline pro-bono work with dumpy men who poke them with latex sabers and squirt milk on them. The combination of large rubber phalli and firehose money shots of white liquid add up to something that’s more comical than arousing. Watching an animated Asian dude screw a green-haired schoolgirl is more real than this. If you actually revisit this site for anything other than a laugh, you have serious problems.