Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Romanian Teens and Fake Cum

Here’s another case of a site trying to do too much. There are some cute girls on “Girls Got Cream,” but most look creepily pre-pubescent with an Eastern European injection, which makes them look even younger. Even though weirdly Anglicized names like “Molly” and “Ginger” are tagged on the videos, it’s clear that most of these girls are actually named Olga, Masha, or Svetlana. This site is brought to you by the same people who did “White Teens, Black Cocks” and “Try Teens,” and many of the same girls make appearances in this dud of a site. Also, you’re treated to the same two dudes who have appeared in every past productions of Brothers in Cash, ie. the smurf-faced frat boy and the black dude who looks like an ex-Algerian hurdler.

The premise of the site is that these girls love their cream (semen) to the extent that they’ll screw these fugly dudes in order to get it. They love it so much, in fact, that the real stuff coming out of these guys’ penises is not enough. Nope, normal human volumes of cream are insubstantial, so the filmmakers have decided to roll out the fake stuff…in every single video.

Each “Girls Got Cream” scene ends with not one, but two climaxes. One is the money shot, which from what I can tell is real most of the time, except once when the dude couldn’t get the plumbing working and had to smear some fake stuff on the girl’s face. The “fake stuff” from what I can tell is regular old hand lotion or some other similar concoction that was either special ordered or whipped up in somebody’s kitchen. The second climax in each scene is one that involves this fake stuff. The guy, pretending to cum, withdraws and there’s a usually a poorly-edited cut to give the producers a chance to fill up the lass with the hand lotion. Then the scene returns and out of a distended vagina or anus comes a spout of what closely resembles Lubriderm moisturizer. Any guy who thinks this stuff is real either hasn’t ever ejaculated or usually does so while dangerously dehydrated after a steady diet of egg whites. The only thing this stuff has in common with real semen is that it’s vaguely the same color.

Why the filmmakers thought this would be arousing to the general jerk-off crowd is beyond me. Instead of just settling for an actual creampie (which is unpredictable to film, but looks legit if it works), they figured they’d give it the Michael Bay treatment of producing tons of volume to offset the laughable lack of realism. Unless you’ve got a hand lotion fetish, then this site is hardly worth your time.