Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Captain Stabbin is a Creepy Pervert

Captain Stabbin” is really just a clone of Bang Boat, which was essentially Bang Bus, just on a seagoing vessel rather than in a utility van. Bang Boat might actually be a clone of Captain Stabbin since I’m not sure which one actually came first. The next time you’re about to bring up the chicken and the egg analogy, why not use these two sites instead for a racier philosophical injection? Asking which rival porn site came first in the competition for control of the nautical hardcore niche market is pretty inconsequential, and in the end, they’re pretty similar. One usually features black dudes and the other has creepy old men and a lot more anal. Details, details.

In any case, the premise is that Captain Stabbin and his mates cruise the local harbor for hot bikini girls who are willing to get down and dirty with these clowns at sea. Usually, the Captain himself just sort of hangs back with a beer because even though we’re supposed to suspend our disbelief when it comes to porn, it would be stretching it to believe that this cretin could pick up anyone other than a mammoth BBW or a toothless meth-addled hooker. Really, he’s that ugly. Think of a cross between Gene Hackman and Dobby from Harry Potter and you’re about a third of the way there. Stabbin apparently owns the yacht which plays host to the main course of the action. Once the girl is sufficiently seduced (or guffawed at with wads of money for approximately six to 11 minutes), our cast boards the S.S. Stabbin for some hot action on the high seas.

Some of Stabbin’s mates aren’t half bad looking. At least they’ve got muscles and don’t constantly wear a shirt that was probably purchased at Caldor back in the 1980s. If they dominated the scenes, then the site might actually be salvageable. But no, Stabbin has to come out of the depths of the yacht like some disfigured troll demanding a tithe for using his land. Unless the site has an army of creepy ex-sailors as members, I doubt that people would shed a tear if one of the better-looking guys just wore the damn hat and adopted the titular name. Unfortunately, Stabbin seems to pride himself on his work and countless scenes are ruined by this guy’s wrinkled cock and gummy Howdy Doody grin.

Aside from the goofy premise and circus-ugly main character, the site is just plain creepy. I swore off this god awful site a few years back after I saw a woman literally have a panic attack when one of the dudes tried to goad her into anal sex. It was pretty disgusting. Even the captain had a look of skittish unease on his dopey countenance, dick in hand getting limper in the midst of that titan of a buzz kill. Shame on you, morons.

What I’m wondering is where these people are filming their scenes. Are there statutes in place governing nautical porn? Is it somehow illegal to bang a girl in plain view on a clear day with 5 mile visibility? Is the reason why so much cocaine gets into America because Coast Guard cutters are too busy gawking at a babe getting plowed on a yacht to notice drug runners cruising out of the Bay of Campeche? Why hasn’t this become a cottage industry for spring breakers? $10 to see “Hollie” get it from the Captain! Pitchers of Miller only $5.

The running gag in each episode is that following the money shots, the girl is enticed into washing herself off in the ocean. After entering the water, the giggling pervs gun the motor, chuck a life preserver out to the stranded girl, and fling out some random derision before the fade to black. I’m not sure if this is staged or if they really do leave the girls miles offshore nothing but a floating donut and a unwashable feeling of body nausea, but I am sure of one thing. This site blows even more than the girls who go down on these creepy fuckers.